I do not need someone to complete me
but if you wanted to
we could walk next to each other
into whatever is coming next.
Am I worried about failures? Yes. Am I apprehensive about my intellectual ability? Of course. Am I fearful of the future? Absolutely.
But I am hopeful. And I have faith that things will turn out okay in the end.
- Him: I know what's going through your mind and I'm telling you how I did it. You don't have to listen to me, but you have to realize that all the time you spend dwelling on things can be put to better use. No one is going to feel sorry for you. You have to see that. Give yourself a kick in the butt and just do it. It's time to grow up. I'm sorry, but that's how it is. You have to learn how to fight through it. You can cry, but work while you cry. This won't be a walk in the park. That's why it's called a professional program. It's not a joke. It wasn't supposed to be easy. You're going to be affecting people's lives. You have to throw your feelings of "fairness" out the window. Who cares what everyone else is doing? You have to focus on your objective and fight through it. I've complained many times to you. You've seen how miserable I was before. It's exactly what is happening to you right now. Doesn't this seem familiar? Except this time, you're the newcomer. I'm the one listening. It's the exact same phase. I was being a big baby, complaining about everything. Now, it's your turn. Do you see that? I had no one to help me. My friends were enjoying their lives without me. These are the exact same thoughts you're having now. But guess what? I just had to suck it up, get things done, because this is the path I chose. Now, it's your turn. It's time to suck it up. Time to grow up. And once you get through it, you won't believe how you made it through. We, humans, are intelligent beings for a reason. We laugh in the face of adversity. We better ourselves. We fight with everything we've got. All this for a better tomorrow. And that's what drives us. I know you know all this. Deep down, you know you have to do this. But the feelings and emotions on the surface are keeping you from thinking objectively. You've watched me throughout this process at each and every step. You've seen all this through me. Now, its your turn. I'm doing what I can to hold you up while trying to support myself. I'm glad to do it for you, to give you that extra kick, the bits of motivation, to pick you up when you're at your lowest. Because you know what? You did that for me. It's time for me to return the favor. Now, be the big girl you are and suck it up. You chose this. Push forward. Fight it. I know you can do it. This will be the roughest time you've ever had with school, and you're going to make it to the other side.
- For the past couple days, I've had a mental breakdown where I cried and cried due to the enormous amount of stress I am having from PT school. I started having doubts of where I want to be and why I chose to be where I am now. If it wasn't for my best friend's harsh reality check did I realize that anything worth having never comes easy.
natsukashii 懐かしい (なつかしい)
I know better now, and so I am trying to do better. It is painful because the old ways are so comfortable but I know in my heart that pain is the only thing that will bloom if I go backwards and plant the same seeds I always did.
I want to feel the sun kiss my skin, and watch the light grow inside of me. So yes, I know better, and yes I will try to do better. I will trust that this uncomfortable feeling will fade into peace, and I will be one step closer to being free in me.
I am letting go of many things, thoughts, feelings, and people that have weighed me down until the water filled my lungs. I am learning how to breathe again without them, and it feels bittersweet but I know this is what is right for me.
I won’t explain or justify myself to anyone. I will live out my life with joy, with peace, with honesty, and I will not let anything unravel me again.
This is my story, and beautiful things will be written in each page. The light will soak into my words, and I will come alive in each chapter. No more holding back. No more pleasing you. No more making myself small to make you more. I am here, and I am going to take up space. I am going to live.
"Hard times will always reveal true friends."
I’m thankful for the friends that always make an effort to stay in my life. Whether it is a simple lunch or hangout, a simple “hi” to start a conversation, or a simple gesture of kindness and support, they try to make time for me despite my busy school-centered life. Because there are those that don’t even bother looking for you anymore, that distanced themselves from you, that refused to attempt to be a part of your life, it just makes me appreciate and value the ones that actually care even more.
And for that, I want to thank you.