I love how I can just say something in reference to a movie, picture, or quote and he would know exactly what I am referring to and provide a witty comeback in reference to something else that only we know. I absolutely love this esoteric aspect of this relationship - that feeling of having something that’s ours and ours alone. ^_^
Asked the boy to cheer me up and this is what he sent me.
It’s been so long since I’ve cried under stress, and today, it suddenly hit me that I literally do not have time to study and do all my projects. Next week, I have 2 exams and 2 projects due while decorating a Haunted House event for the kids in the neighborhood by our school. Following week, 3 exams and 2 projects due. Week after that, full week of project presentations. The week after is finals week with 4 exams.
I thought I have become desensitized after last quarter, but I realized today that I am still not strong enough. Not strong enough to pull all-nighters to meet my deadlines when I am already sleep-deprived. And not strong enough to not break down under stress.
As of right now, all I am capable of doing is pray that I can get through this. Pray that deep down, I can find strength to pull me through this. ”I can do this.” I just need to keep telling myself that.
I am a paradox. I want to be happy, but ponder on things that make me sad. I’m lazy, yet ambitious. I don’t like myself, but I also love who I am — what I stand for. I say I don’t care, but I actually do. I’d like to socialize more, but it exhausts me to the point where I seek complete isolation. I crave attention, but reject it when it gravitates my way. I’m a conflicted contradiction; if I can’t figure myself out, the possibility of others being able to are highly unlikely.